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What your child’s school report really means… July 30, 2010

Posted by Alex, Managing Director in Independent Education.
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At the end of last year to celebrate our Golden Jubilee, with the help of Dr Nigel Richardson, former Head of The Perse School in Cambridge, Chairman of HMC and Editor of Conference & Common Room, we assembled a collection of anecdotes, jokes and stories from the world of education and published them in a special collection titled Catt in the Common Room.

With parents around the world currently digesting the end-of-year reports of their children, we thought it a good time to reproduce a short section, entitled:

What your report really means…in an age when the frank and fearless style of report writing has become very un-politically correct

Has a comprehensive grasp of the subject.
Smart ass.

Gets involved in extra-curricular activities.
Goes drinking with the U6.

Creates an informal atmosphere.
Rioting in class.

Satisfactory progress.
I can’t think of a single interesting thing about him.

Abundantly verbal.
Talks a lot.

Conversationally selective.
Shy.

Helpful.
He’s a real little creep.

He writes lengthy and discursive homework.
Fed up with marking what the little swot churns out.

He participates in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.
Passes notes in class.

He rations his consciousness in lessons very effectively.
Asleep in class.

Energetically declined.
Unspeakably lazy.

Skilled in the art of transmitting near-factual information.
She’s a poisonous, manipulative little gossip.

He pursues test results tenaciously.
Mark-grabbing little tosser.

A rather solitary child.
Smells.

Often appears tired.
Stays up half the night watching video nasties.

A sensitive child.
Never stops whining.

An active contributor to class discussion.
Never stops talking and I’d like to rip his larynx out.

A lively member of the class and is easily distracted.
The little bastard is totally unable to sit still even for two seconds.

A pleasant member of the set.
No idea what the little b****r looks like.

Jonny is making steady progress in music and always gives of his best.
He is tone deaf.

He is industrious, able and unfailingly polite.
If it weren’t for him, I’d machine gun them all to death.

Reliable.
Grasses on his mates.

All his homework is of a high standard.
Ambitious middle class parents.

A good sense of humour.
Never stops teasing the others.

A vivid imagination.
Never short of an excuse.

Enjoys extra-curricular activities.
Flogs cigarettes.

He has trouble concentrating.
We think he’s on pot, but we can’t prove it yet.

A mature young man.
Shows too much interest in U6 girls.

An accomplished and popular sportsman.
No hope of any A levels but the lst XV depends on him, and the Head knows it.

He has made real progress.
He has made no progress at all, but at the fees we charge, we dare not admit it.

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